I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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