I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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