i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
