I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
NoShamevember. You game?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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