last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
