fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
