a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Randomize
