Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
