He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
they're like a gay fantastic four
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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