if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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