I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Let's get the cat blown out
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
