Someone shit on the floor
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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