I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
