i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
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"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
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Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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