he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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