Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
