Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
