I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
