This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
