Your dad touched me again.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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