i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
