I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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