Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Randomize
