How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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