I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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