I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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