I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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