Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
