so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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