We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
