oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
where are my eyebrows?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
