I accidentally had phone sex last night
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Randomize
