Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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