piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
