I want to have your abortion
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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