Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
