God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
