I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
