my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
