his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.