Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
