So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
