what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part