I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
