He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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