He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
