fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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