I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
