I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
