Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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