I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
