Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
