I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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