She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
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He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
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I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
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