youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
