The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Randomize
