I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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