Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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