I think I won the penis lottery.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
