You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
