Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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