Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
