Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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