I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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