We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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